I feel like my heart was broken this past weekend and I haven't told anyone about it. So I'm telling you. My heart was broken by my mother, but that is nothing new. I always have this expectation that she'd want to have a relationship or want to see me. I mentioned that I hoped we could get together soon, but she replied with mention of my birthday as the next outing. My birthday is two months away. I feel so ashamed that I even want to have a relationship with someone that clearly does not want to have one with me. Last Christmas my mother mentioned that she was so grateful she only had one daughter because I was hell enough. Maybe I was hell because someone put me through it? How can you expect a child who was severely traumatized to outgrow that and shed that skin without the proper interventions? I feel so ashamed that version of me is the only person my mother knows. I am almost 25 years old and I just want my mom to love me. I try to remind myself that this is her loss. If she would only like to fixate on the child I was when I was hurting that is her choice. Maybe she does not deserve to know the woman I am becoming. I have outgrown so many old habits and unlearned so many abusive traits. Why should I punish myself for someone that neglected to help me when I needed her most? I could never understand a mother who would put the opinions of a man over her child's trauma, but I guess that means I'll never understand my own mother. Maybe that's for the better.
Thanks for listening.
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