Sour Patch Kids

October 28 is approaching. I find myself grieving this date more than I ever have in the past. A friend told me that I need to sit with my feelings and allow them to process. I thought I had already done that when it passed in 2017. What is left to grieve of that life? I am so much stronger now. I am on my path to my dreams. Why am I lingering? Darkness has a way to find its companion. Well baby, I lit the match and found my way through hell.

Cool kids can't die

I am shedding my skin and breaking my neck in the process
Doubt is creeping in - did I make it all up again?
why am I hitting a wall
I feel like I am covered in gasoline
They are handing me a match
Whispering you deserved it all
you brought this on yourself
how dare you try to take us down with you
I am on my knees begging please
Soon I start to pour gasoline on myself
Thinking they must be right
I have crawled through hell
Surely I can make it through again

Forward

I feel like I am crumbling. I thought I was doing better. I thought I was finally okay. I read that healing comes in waves, but I feel like I'm drowning. I am doing my best to live up to my responsibilities. I can't say much more. I am wearing too many hats and I just want to detach my head from my body. I thought about my first engagement ring recently. It was beautiful and had every detail I asked for. But what did it even mean? It was the logical next step , he said. I was twenty and thought wow my life is finally complete. I want to go back to that girl and tell her to run for her life. That ring meant nothing. It was as fake as our comittment. I remember being pressured to get married a year earlier than planned. Getting berated for not wearing it to work at a coffeebar. If there was not a stamp of ownership, did he really own me? He didn't want the ring back after he ended our relationship. It was cheap , he said. The proposal meant nothing; we were high anyway. I was ashamed to be connected to someone who perpetuated the cycle of abuse. I should have left the moment I cracked open the door to my repressed traumas. Instead I sat amongst the memories and let myself become engulfed by the webs. There are days when I am so hard on myself for my slow progress. I forget that I didn't start living my life as my truest self until I was twenty-two. I was ready to face the darkest corners of my life and heal. I started showing up for myself again. So here I am, baby, choosing my life over you.

Dear Jess

I do not pity you. You do not deserve sorrow. What happened was not even unfortunate because you grew so much because of it. You can't change the past, but you can use it to your advantage. So what if it didn't work out? You survived, didn't you? Even if it was by the skin of your teeth it still counts. Fuck your past. You are so close to opening the door of this cage. I know you are restless and eager, but baby, please stay hopeful. No one can take your shine away. Take a deep breath. This won't last forever, I fucking promise you. You are a survivor through and through. The people who put you in danger do not deserve an ounce of your respect. They will lash out because they can feel you finally pulling away from them. Baby, you will come out on top of this. You should be proud of yourself and all that you are about to accomplish. Go into this next chapter with an open heart and an open mind. Do not let your energy be diminished from icy conditions. Throw on a blanket, baby. You've gotta hold on a little longer.

xoxo

She loves me, she loves me not

I feel like my heart was broken this past weekend and I haven't told anyone about it. So I'm telling you. My heart was broken by my mother, but that is nothing new. I always have this expectation that she'd want to have a relationship or want to see me. I mentioned that I hoped we could get together soon, but she replied with mention of my birthday as the next outing. My birthday is two months away. I feel so ashamed that I even want to have a relationship with someone that clearly does not want to have one with me. Last Christmas my mother mentioned that she was so grateful she only had one daughter because I was hell enough. Maybe I was hell because someone put me through it? How can you expect a child who was severely traumatized to outgrow that and shed that skin without the proper interventions? I feel so ashamed that version of me is the only person my mother knows. I am almost 25 years old and I just want my mom to love me. I try to remind myself that this is her loss. If she would only like to fixate on the child I was when I was hurting that is her choice. Maybe she does not deserve to know the woman I am becoming. I have outgrown so many old habits and unlearned so many abusive traits. Why should I punish myself for someone that neglected to help me when I needed her most? I could never understand a mother who would put the opinions of a man over her child's trauma, but I guess that means I'll never understand my own mother. Maybe that's for the better.

Thanks for listening.

I chose lemon today

I wonder if I'm going absolutely crazy or am I just making excuses? I feel like I am trapped because I can't tell anyone about what is going on. They all have known him; they see him in pictures too. How could a parent really be that bad? Sometimes I wonder that too. Does his demeanor change because he realizes that I'm there too? Or does it just do that randomly? Why did he change his attitude when he was talking on the phone? He was becoming so enraged by someone else's life but as soon as I made a sound he said he only cares about his immediate family. I don't know what to believe. People close always tell me to be careful; they recommend making a schedule. Should I stalk my own stalker? Why am I always told to modify my behavior to accommodate abuse? Last night is still playing in my head. Should I have been kinder? Should I have just shut my mouth? I was walking to the bathroom, towel, and shower caddy in hands when he was staring at me from his doorway. He said hello as did I. But then something changed at that moment. His entire demeanor changed in a snap. He perked up and dragged out that fucking chair. He planted himself and started to ask about my day as if he did not just see me walk into the bathroom. Did he really not notice or was he just being ignorant? I had two choices; postpone my shower to have a conversation or continue with my plans. Why do I have to feel pressured to put myself aside to give attention to someone else? I chose to set my boundaries. I will not be pressured to stop my fucking world simply because someone else wandered into the room. I know I just need to hang on a little longer, but I'm hanging on by my teeth.

Tune in next week to see if the Violent Femme continues to be violent.

Do I have printer paper?

I feel like I'm falling apart. I don't even know how to wake up anymore. Why don't I have patience anymore? Why is it just me? This is what I was so afraid of. I am so tired of hearing white lies and excuses. They did not give that to you; you are taking. Why does it feel like the world is so heavy on my shoulders? I genuinely just want someone to check up on me. I don't want to keep being asked "how have you been feeling" every day to check to see if I've got it. Why can't my emotional well-being and mental health be addressed? Why the fuck do I care? I've been crying over shit that happened seven years ago. Am I that damaged? I keep making poor decisions and I am so fucking scared. Am I becoming unhinged?

Tune in next week to see if the Violent Femme and her Koi will save the day.

Unhinged

I woke up on the right side of the bed today. I woke up next to the most beautiful person. I kissed him goodbye and went back to my cocoon. I thought I was ready. I started my day and tried to channel my inner-extrovert, but in doing so I nearly drained myself completely. I couldn't imagine tackling the rest of my day. I thought I was ready. Maybe it's because Mondays are so heavy. I thought I was strong enough to carry the weight. How will I ever survive? It might be unfair to compare my efforts. Maybe it isn't so black and white. My tarot reading mentioned I should find a balance between my life. I feel like I'm breaking.