be proud of us

Today I have to grieve in silence
I lit a candle for his memory
Praying that wherever he may be
He finds peace and kindness
It feels like there's a gaping hole
Where my heart should be
No one can understand how lonely this feels
He made me feel safe
Like I was apart of something so much bigger
That paradise lies in his love
Oh how I wish we could go back
Some people can live the entirety of their lives
Searching for answers to their torture
I will fucking pray that all of his troubles
Become resolved in the next life
He may be absent, but his love for us will never be

eight years past the day

My dearest Genevieve -


Oh how I miss you so

I love you so much more

Last year you stole my voice, but this year I felt you all around me. Your love and strength has gotten me through the darkest times and you have not failed me yet. I wish I knew what your favorite color was. It kills me not to know. Heaven will be damned if I do not find out the favorite color of everyone close to me. Dying does not seem appealing anymore. Visit in my dreams, won't you? Pretty please

Until next year

"Jess Rice, will you dye my hair purple?"

Come on, Jess
Run away to Miami Beach with me, pretty please?
I know a guy who will let us sleep on his floor
Come on, Jess
Fuck this place, there's nothing left for you here
Dollface, you are just as beautiful today as you were
Just as beautiful on the day I met you
Come on, Jess
Let me get on your level
You know what I love about you?
There is no other person who can tell me so thoroughly
Why they hate a fucking bitch
Come on, Jess
You don't have to stare at me just to figure out
How much I want to fucking go home
I was lost the moment I fell on those steps
So why the fuck did I walk into your apartment
Searching for someone I will never find
Come on, Jess
He's married now

I hope your sweater shrinks

My heart stopped when you said her name
I could see it burning in your cheeks
Your love for her never wavered
Not even after you kissed me
Not even after you fucked me
Our feelings mean shit now that I left
The worst part of it all is that
I could have loved you
But my past haunts you
My present will never be enough for you
Our future was over
The second your tongue tasted my skin

85

My dearest Genevieve,

Happy birthday, darling! I hope you're out there having the time of your days. This birthday snuck up on me. I can't believe it is already here and almost gone. You have been my light in all of this darkness. My apologies for such a short note. I will be sure to write again soon. Have a beautiful birthday. I miss you to pieces and love you whole.

xoxo

I relapsed last night

In order to heal I had to bring everything to the present
No more secrets, no more lies
it is what it is
I had to drag my demons into the fucking light
Just to even expose them to my very own eyes
How could I not have relapsed underneath this weight?
My desperation was eating me alive
Perfect, normal, sane
All perceptions of myself that I will never be
Because I didn't have a fucking chance in hell from the start
That was not my fucking fault and I will not hold myself accountable
not anymore, babe
He made me feel like I needed to be fixed
Like I was too broken to love
But now everything is in the present
I can finally breathe again
Mistakes do not define me, my conscious choices do
Here I am, baby, fucking choosing my life over you
Your eyes will not swallow me again
I am no sailor, I won't survive getting lost at sea

just another imaginary friend

I am trying so desperately to erase you
To forget our history together
If I remember our best laid plans
To run away and marry each other
I will fucking kill myself
You said you wanted me, couldn't live without me
Practically begged me to spend my life with you
Your words were so sweet, they got stuck in my throat
Everything I said to him was with you in mind
I lashed out just to have a reason to leave
But he was the one who got to have me forever
Little did I know forever would not last long
Maybe I deserve all of this or maybe I don't
You only liked me when you were sad
Found some sick solace in my pain and darkness
But baby I need the fucking light to shine through
And you took the matches with you
Maybe it will be bright enough to find you in hell

we are better off

I'll never be the girl you wanted me to be
Never the girl you needed me to be
I'm so fucking sorry
This love could not fix me no matter how hard we tried
But that's okay
I'm not going to be a mystery anymore
This pain has been waiting to crash into me
It's finally time to let it in
If I am crushed beneath this weight, at least I tried

I told you it was Now or Never

Baby I am not going to let you win this time
Go ahead keep fucking trying
What did you even plan on saying to me?
That my ultimatum of 'love me or leave me' drove you away?
Well baby as long as the keys are in the ignition...
You never belonged here anyway
I was your greatest conquest and your greatest failure
Baby you could have had me from the very beginning
But if that happened only heaven knows
Who would have survived that tragedy
You chose her over me, and that's okay
Too bad it had to blow up in your face
Ya know she was never the same person after you
Her smile faded and so did her body
She tore herself limb from limb to make you happy
But your eyes were only on me
I thought it would be so fun to dangle myself in front of your grin
Until you bit me
But life only moves forward and these bruises will fade
Along with the memory of your skin
Go ahead keep fucking trying
Baby, you need two to play your game
And I'm fucking out

you do not deserve a title

I should have bit my tongue when I had the chance
Baby there is a reason why we didn't hold hands
I am not your hot mess, not something for you to fix
just give me an answer please
our timing was always too good to be true
but I thought we were worth it
There are more places I need to see
I am so sorry baby
but you're not coming with me
Your bedroom walls were never that appealing
And according to you, I never knew that place
Hopefully the next place will welcome with open arms
but how could I forget just how perfect you are
Even in death he would defend you
It makes me sick
He knew everything you did to me and he still loved you
The angels around me are all falling apart
My shoulders were never strong enough for the world
I promised to protect her at all costs but
She's killing herself; death by a thousand cuts
And where the fuck am I?
Clawing at your feet begging you to love me

a hopeless place

Everything happens for a reason right?
Baby this is your time to grow
The universe is putting us on pause
Just so we'll be ready for the next phase
You and I are fucking worth it
As long as our hearts are still beating
We will never fade
Because soulmates never die, right?

you felt obligated to love me

You would always argue with me. You called it a friendly debate but my goodness you just had to be fucking right. I would crumble under your pressure. I became too scared to even have an opinion. If I couldn't back it up properly, what is the point? I dug my way to your roots and held on for life. I wanted to be just like you. I just wanted you to love me. I didn't want to argue with you. You hated my friends. Why hang out with people you constantly complain about? Because they were my friends. I guess you wouldn't understand. You would never want to go out with them so I stopped going out with them too. Why hang out with people I constantly complain about? You always told me how horribly my family treated me, so they had to go too. Baby there's no one left but you. I just needed you to listen to me and be fucking present. Your friends were more important. You always gave me shit for not wanting to see your family, but how many dinners did you ever come to with my mother? Always a double fucking standard with you. Any and every time I complained or bitched about something you just had to fix it. Always putting your two cents in. Maybe I just wanted to be heard. But the ocean in your eyes swallowed me whole. You made me so fucking anxious. I always felt like I was doing the wrong thing because I was going against you. You're not in my fucking head. You never paid attention. But my god when it came to other boys you were always the first to say they were in love with me, only wanted to fuck me, just wanted to use me. So I built a wall around us. No one could get me but you. Isn't that right? But when I pointed out the same you were so fucking quick to deny it. You just couldn't see it . You just didn't want to believe it. Silly girl, never appreciating the advice. I didn't need you to fix me. I always say, I will ask for help when I need it . And here I am yet again asking for your help only to be turned down because you had something better to do. You say I don't deserve this, and yet you are just like the others you are so quick to judge. I hope you fall off that fucking pedestal and burn like the rest of us.

Personal

I had the nightmare again


I see your text
My heart drops to the floor
I can't find my keys
did you take them with you?
why can't I stop you?
where the hell are you going?
My hands are shaking so badly I can't put my shoes on
Barefoot, I run out the door
f u c k
My phone will not unlock fast enough
I know your number by heart
why can't I fucking remember it right now?
I am screaming your name
The phone starts to ring
I am running down the stairs
The phone is still ringing
I pull the front door open
you have reached the voicemail of . . .
I am too late


You have been gone for six years now

I had the nightmare again

There's nothing left to say.

Your face haunts me in my dreams. For a fleeting moment I thought I had you within my grasp. No matter how many times I try to tear myself apart you do not appear before me. You are not even an apparition. Just a figment of my imagination. I am starting to think I have put myself back together before I can meet you face - to - face. For now I will continue dreaming.