Dear Jess

I do not pity you. You do not deserve sorrow. What happened was not even unfortunate because you grew so much because of it. You can't change the past, but you can use it to your advantage. So what if it didn't work out? You survived, didn't you? Even if it was by the skin of your teeth it still counts. Fuck your past. You are so close to opening the door of this cage. I know you are restless and eager, but baby, please stay hopeful. No one can take your shine away. Take a deep breath. This won't last forever, I fucking promise you. You are a survivor through and through. The people who put you in danger do not deserve an ounce of your respect. They will lash out because they can feel you finally pulling away from them. Baby, you will come out on top of this. You should be proud of yourself and all that you are about to accomplish. Go into this next chapter with an open heart and an open mind. Do not let your energy be diminished from icy conditions. Throw on a blanket, baby. You've gotta hold on a little longer.

xoxo

She loves me, she loves me not

I feel like my heart was broken this past weekend and I haven't told anyone about it. So I'm telling you. My heart was broken by my mother, but that is nothing new. I always have this expectation that she'd want to have a relationship or want to see me. I mentioned that I hoped we could get together soon, but she replied with mention of my birthday as the next outing. My birthday is two months away. I feel so ashamed that I even want to have a relationship with someone that clearly does not want to have one with me. Last Christmas my mother mentioned that she was so grateful she only had one daughter because I was hell enough. Maybe I was hell because someone put me through it? How can you expect a child who was severely traumatized to outgrow that and shed that skin without the proper interventions? I feel so ashamed that version of me is the only person my mother knows. I am almost 25 years old and I just want my mom to love me. I try to remind myself that this is her loss. If she would only like to fixate on the child I was when I was hurting that is her choice. Maybe she does not deserve to know the woman I am becoming. I have outgrown so many old habits and unlearned so many abusive traits. Why should I punish myself for someone that neglected to help me when I needed her most? I could never understand a mother who would put the opinions of a man over her child's trauma, but I guess that means I'll never understand my own mother. Maybe that's for the better.

Thanks for listening.