Metamorphosis

Where do I start? This year was a transition. It started in a downward spiral. Once I hit the ocean floor I thought I'd be able to swim to the surface. That wasn't what happened. I wandered the ocean floor for months and made my home there. I felt like an urchin just waiting to be discovered. If there is anything that I have learned this year it is to hold on to faith by your teeth. Change rarely happens overnight. It has been a year of dissolving in order to grow. All I could ever do is just move forward.

2020 -

hope you're ready

haunting me

I want to stop haunting my own life.

I feel so overwhelmed. It's like I'm not myself and everyone around me has such a skewed version of me in their minds. I'm so tired of being everyone's pixie girl. I'm not some fucking magical being. I don't want people to "meet the new me". I'm still the same person I've always been but evolving. There was never a morning when I woke up and just decided to be someone else. And yet whenever I try to communicate these feelings of loss I am met with confusion. As if I should cling to the persona I used to embody. Why can't I evolve?

"I'm not responsible for the version of me that is created in your mind"

bubble burst

This hurts so bad and I can't even tell you

I can't even tell you that what she said about my body has had me counting calories and skipping meals for months. Who would love a girl who does that to herself? I can't even tell you how sad I feel every day, because you have your own problems to deal with. How could I want you to come to me with your sadness if I have too much of my own? Or how about how some days I feel so numb all I can do is lay in bed? No, you wouldn't love a girl who can't fight for herself. I feel like a failure and I won't dare tell you that. How could I break the image you have of me?

I can't even finish this

no need for direction

October 28

This day will always mean so much to me, but not for the reason I had dreamt. Two years later and I saw a girl wearing the same ring I once had. It looked beautiful. I can't help but want to thank him for severing that lifeline. I thought I would have more to say, but

I don't.

A dodged bullet

There are so many things I need to say to the girl I was when we were together. I want to apologize to her for not coming to the rescue when I had the chance. Next I set my sights on you, dear. Do not be fooled by the pleasantries; they are only a place holder. If I could see you again I don't know if I would even have the words to describe who I am now. You will never know this person because she grew from the disasters you have struck. I will not forget when I found out about the loss of a friend and you told me to stop making a scene. You mocked my trauma and refused to see me for who I was becoming. Again, I want to apologize to the girl I was when we were together. She deserved so much more love from me. I would have held her when she suffered from your mother's sting. You said that you liked 'strong women' but found delight in breaking me to pieces. It was a game to you, wasn't it? See how much you could resemble your father in your actions and count how many times I crumbled like your mother. It must have been a shock for you to stand in awe of my resilience. Girls who've been to hell know where exactly where to step when they go back. I suppose I should thank you for cutting my limbs off from your body. I want to apologize to the girl I was when we were together. I would whisper in her ear, honey, do not listen to his talk. covetous creatures will say anything to steal your magic.

dancing with a stranger

It's 2019, Jess
act like it