you do not deserve a title

I should have bit my tongue when I had the chance
Baby there is a reason why we didn't hold hands
I am not your hot mess, not something for you to fix
just give me an answer please
our timing was always too good to be true
but I thought we were worth it
There are more places I need to see
I am so sorry baby
but you're not coming with me
Your bedroom walls were never that appealing
And according to you, I never knew that place
Hopefully the next place will welcome with open arms
but how could I forget just how perfect you are
Even in death he would defend you
It makes me sick
He knew everything you did to me and he still loved you
The angels around me are all falling apart
My shoulders were never strong enough for the world
I promised to protect her at all costs but
She's killing herself; death by a thousand cuts
And where the fuck am I?
Clawing at your feet begging you to love me

a hopeless place

Everything happens for a reason right?
Baby this is your time to grow
The universe is putting us on pause
Just so we'll be ready for the next phase
You and I are fucking worth it
As long as our hearts are still beating
We will never fade
Because soulmates never die, right?

you felt obligated to love me

You would always argue with me. You called it a friendly debate but my goodness you just had to be fucking right. I would crumble under your pressure. I became too scared to even have an opinion. If I couldn't back it up properly, what is the point? I dug my way to your roots and held on for life. I wanted to be just like you. I just wanted you to love me. I didn't want to argue with you. You hated my friends. Why hang out with people you constantly complain about? Because they were my friends. I guess you wouldn't understand. You would never want to go out with them so I stopped going out with them too. Why hang out with people I constantly complain about? You always told me how horribly my family treated me, so they had to go too. Baby there's no one left but you. I just needed you to listen to me and be fucking present. Your friends were more important. You always gave me shit for not wanting to see your family, but how many dinners did you ever come to with my mother? Always a double fucking standard with you. Any and every time I complained or bitched about something you just had to fix it. Always putting your two cents in. Maybe I just wanted to be heard. But the ocean in your eyes swallowed me whole. You made me so fucking anxious. I always felt like I was doing the wrong thing because I was going against you. You're not in my fucking head. You never paid attention. But my god when it came to other boys you were always the first to say they were in love with me, only wanted to fuck me, just wanted to use me. So I built a wall around us. No one could get me but you. Isn't that right? But when I pointed out the same you were so fucking quick to deny it. You just couldn't see it . You just didn't want to believe it. Silly girl, never appreciating the advice. I didn't need you to fix me. I always say, I will ask for help when I need it . And here I am yet again asking for your help only to be turned down because you had something better to do. You say I don't deserve this, and yet you are just like the others you are so quick to judge. I hope you fall off that fucking pedestal and burn like the rest of us.

Personal

I had the nightmare again


I see your text
My heart drops to the floor
I can't find my keys
did you take them with you?
why can't I stop you?
where the hell are you going?
My hands are shaking so badly I can't put my shoes on
Barefoot, I run out the door
f u c k
My phone will not unlock fast enough
I know your number by heart
why can't I fucking remember it right now?
I am screaming your name
The phone starts to ring
I am running down the stairs
The phone is still ringing
I pull the front door open
you have reached the voicemail of . . .
I am too late


You have been gone for six years now

I had the nightmare again