happy birthday soon

I have been healing a lot of my past selves this year. It feels like year 28 brought me full circle. So many feelings have resurfaced and I am here again to tell you about it. As of typing this, I am 5 days shy of turning 29. I will be 29 years old. I am newly married. I have been living outside and away from my family for 4 years now. And yet, my father continues to drag an old childhood memory from the depths of summer for my birthday. Throughout my entire life so far, my father frequently brings attention to the fact that he "was not perfect". Perfection isn't real though, so who is he really reminding? Needless to say, he has centered his entire personality around his perception of being a father and a martyr. Why am I even spending my time and energy on this? My father has worked at the same company for the past 28 years. He always took his three weeks of vacation in the summertime. One week in June, the week after Father's Day. One week in July, the week of my birthday. The last week in August, after an annual festival we went to as a family tradition. He had done this for so many years, I thought I could count on its stability. Well, one year when I was turning 8 or 9, he decided to take a week of vacation in April for his birthday. When I learned which week of vacation was being swapped for April, I was devastated. My father had taken the week off leading up to my birthday for years, but that year he chose to take his birthday week instead. I want to clarify that I was a kid dealing with and processing abuse and trauma without any support, so this major change felt so heavy. Of course I felt compelled to ask him why he chose July's week of vacation instead of June's or August's. It was his response that left me feeling hollow. At first he said that it was because he wanted to take his birthday week off for a change of pace. Okay. Then it was because July was the middle month of summer. Shouldn't I be grateful that my dad chose to take a week off in the beginning of summer and the end of summer? Sure, I guess. Those reasons made sense, but they would make more sense if my birthday was not involved. So I asked him again, why did July have to go? Why did my birthday week have to go? He said that he chose my birthday week because it had nothing to do with him. He didn't want to swap June's vacation, because Father's Day was about him. He didn't want to swap August's vacation, because the festival we attended was his favorite part of summer. July's vacation had nothing to do with him, so he thought it would be okay to skip that vacation that year and in the future to instead celebrate his birthday week. He would preach to strangers that being a father was the best thing about his life; he loved his kids more than life itself; he would do anything and everything to celebrate us. I was devastated that he did not/could not/would not understand why it made me upset that he wasn't going to be spending my birthday week with me. 20 years later I'm an adult. I'm 5 days shy of turning 29. I'm newly married. I have been living away from my family for 4 years. And yet, every year of my adult life, my father makes sure to bring attention to the fact that he is taking his vacation the week of my birthday. He has not spent a fucking birthday week with me for the past 10 years. Every year that he highlights that he still does this tradition only reminds me of when he chose not to because it had nothing to do with him. He has not once acknowledged my feelings over that choice, but he will be damned if he does not tell every living soul that he still takes vacation on his daughter's birthday week. I have been carrying this grief for too long, so finally being able to express it feels like relief.

Stitch the Wound

I feel like I am still a pawn in my mother's healing journey. It feels like she is warping her relationship with me to help fill the void she feels within herself. She was an only child; the only daughter. Jess, why does that matter? It matters because she is trying to heal through my healing. I am working to heal from the trauma and abuse that I have endured from the people who raised me (all three of them). My mother has adorned her living spaces with pictures of us and memorabilia from my childhood, as if we are best of friends. She proudly displays the fact that she is a mother to a daughter. It's true that she is a mother to a daughter. She is an abusive mother to a daughter struggling to heal. I have had to claw the deepest parts of me out from the void. I couldn't heal in the dark anymore. I won't heal in the dark anymore. Her behavior is so pitiful to me. She tries so hard to pretend that our relationship is what she always wanted with her mother, but she never once protected me how her mother would have protected her. Her mother took her out of an abusive situation and away from an abusive father. My mother was so resentful that she dangled me in front of abusers and left me in the arms of abusive fathers. She grew up without a father, so that meant she had to sacrifice her only daughter to keep fathers in their daughters' lives. Some fathers do not deserve daughters nor should they be allowed to be near their daughters. I feel so much anger and resentment towards my mother for choosing me as the sacrifice. Simultaneously, I also feel joy and hope knowing that I'm healing from the trauma she passed down. If I'm so lucky to have a daughter, I can safely feel the joy and excitement surrounding her existence knowing that I will shield her from the hell that I survived.

Saturn's Return

Saturn's return is defined as when the planet Saturn returns to the same place it was in during your birth. It takes roughly 27-30 years for this loop. I'm roughly 28 1/2 and all of 2023 has felt like a lesson to be learned. The keys on this keyboard are so loud. I started this year in a freefall and landed on my face as the year went on. Falling down is an accident, but staying down is a choice. Somehow I feel like I'm so much older than I was when this year began. What a difference a year can truly make. I think in 2024 I'm just going to speak in metaphors. For some reason I was seriously dreading writing this post. I haven't written at all this year, but of course I need to keep the tradition alive. So much is being planned for this next year ahead and there is so much change to be welcomed. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be planning my wedding without my family in attendance, but here we are. My mother is getting remarried after reconnecting with an old flame just this year. My father doesn't know yet, and I feel like I'm lying to him every second that I don't tell him about this. Of course I know that it's not my place to tell, but I can only imagine his hurt when he finds out that we knew this whole time. Last February I got a tattoo of an ouroboros biting off its tail (truly a dream piece). I got it because I decided not to involve my family in my upcoming wedding or life honestly. The generational trauma on both sides ends with me. I can no longer bear crosses that were never mine to begin with. The biggest takeaways from this year have been: My presence is a blessing. My energy is expensive and exclusive. I'm stepping into the identity of my next level. xo

lowercase

here we are again. what can i say about 2022? this year has been a year if survival. a year of biting bullets and tending to new scars. the flow of it all has finally carried us to the end. we've survived hell this year. now we must survive without it.

My old connections have grown mold

We were inseperable once I'm starting to wonder if it's me I've outgrown every past version of myself And with that, I've outgrown every friend too Were they always this careless? Now that I understand my worth, do I actually want to tether myself to the bog?

Leaving my play pretend

How in the world is it already December 31, 2021? So much has happened since I last logged in to post. There's a blue crystal apple sitting on my desk. I am a different person than the girl who posted last. I did things I never dreamt I would have to decide to do. My heart was broken. I grew a year older. So much has happened since I last logged in to post. One day I will explain it all away. Tell you about the choices I made, the nights I thought about giving up, the days I conquered instead. 2021 has been a year full of leaps of faith. I took a chance on myself and grew into the person I dreamt of becoming. I would like to believe 2020 Jess would be proud of me. This chapter of my life is officially coming to a close. I'll see you in the next novel. xoxo

Say goodbye and go

How do I explain this away? That I just wasn't careful enough? Maybe I was being reckless. It is a mixture of relief and anguish. Why is this happening now? Is there some cosmic meaning to all of this? If there is a lesson to learn, please just show me. I want to be as loving as possible, as strong as possible. but I am beginning to wonder if I am even meant for this life at all.