Stitch the Wound

I feel like I am still a pawn in my mother's healing journey. It feels like she is warping her relationship with me to help fill the void she feels within herself. She was an only child; the only daughter. Jess, why does that matter? It matters because she is trying to heal through my healing. I am working to heal from the trauma and abuse that I have endured from the people who raised me (all three of them). My mother has adorned her living spaces with pictures of us and memorabilia from my childhood, as if we are best of friends. She proudly displays the fact that she is a mother to a daughter. It's true that she is a mother to a daughter. She is an abusive mother to a daughter struggling to heal. I have had to claw the deepest parts of me out from the void. I couldn't heal in the dark anymore. I won't heal in the dark anymore. Her behavior is so pitiful to me. She tries so hard to pretend that our relationship is what she always wanted with her mother, but she never once protected me how her mother would have protected her. Her mother took her out of an abusive situation and away from an abusive father. My mother was so resentful that she dangled me in front of abusers and left me in the arms of abusive fathers. She grew up without a father, so that meant she had to sacrifice her only daughter to keep fathers in their daughters' lives. Some fathers do not deserve daughters nor should they be allowed to be near their daughters. I feel so much anger and resentment towards my mother for choosing me as the sacrifice. Simultaneously, I also feel joy and hope knowing that I'm healing from the trauma she passed down. If I'm so lucky to have a daughter, I can safely feel the joy and excitement surrounding her existence knowing that I will shield her from the hell that I survived.