Say goodbye and go

How do I explain this away? That I just wasn't careful enough? Maybe I was being reckless. It is a mixture of relief and anguish. Why is this happening now? Is there some cosmic meaning to all of this? If there is a lesson to learn, please just show me. I want to be as loving as possible, as strong as possible. but I am beginning to wonder if I am even meant for this life at all.