Forward

I feel like I am crumbling. I thought I was doing better. I thought I was finally okay. I read that healing comes in waves, but I feel like I'm drowning. I am doing my best to live up to my responsibilities. I can't say much more. I am wearing too many hats and I just want to detach my head from my body. I thought about my first engagement ring recently. It was beautiful and had every detail I asked for. But what did it even mean? It was the logical next step , he said. I was twenty and thought wow my life is finally complete. I want to go back to that girl and tell her to run for her life. That ring meant nothing. It was as fake as our comittment. I remember being pressured to get married a year earlier than planned. Getting berated for not wearing it to work at a coffeebar. If there was not a stamp of ownership, did he really own me? He didn't want the ring back after he ended our relationship. It was cheap , he said. The proposal meant nothing; we were high anyway. I was ashamed to be connected to someone who perpetuated the cycle of abuse. I should have left the moment I cracked open the door to my repressed traumas. Instead I sat amongst the memories and let myself become engulfed by the webs. There are days when I am so hard on myself for my slow progress. I forget that I didn't start living my life as my truest self until I was twenty-two. I was ready to face the darkest corners of my life and heal. I started showing up for myself again. So here I am, baby, choosing my life over you.