See ya later

I await 2019 with open arms.

I cannot even begin to say how much I have loved and appreciated this year. 2018 has been a beautiful year of hardship, struggle, and so much fucking triumph. This year has taken me through hell and for that I am truly grateful. These past twelve months have ripped me apart and forced me to grow so much taller than I could have ever dreamed. I pray this next chapter treats me so sweetly.

sweet lady justice slay me down

I'm trying to point to my own body to say where it hurts, but I can feel it surrounding me like smoke. How can I even begin to say that I'm fucking crushed? It hurts all the fucking worse when you're being suffocated by hands with love. I'm choking on the words I desperately need to say. I need you to choose me. You're absolutely okay with how things are and that choice speaks louder than anything you could ever say. My mother taught me to never beg for someone's love. It was the hardest lesson to learn, but those teachings are crumbling. Self-care has become an abandoned project. Why keep tending to an exhausted candle jar pretending the flame still burned? I feel like I've been reduced to a fucking box to mark off on a checklist. When did I stop being a person? How is it so hard to explain that the sound of those footsteps make my skin crawl? Somehow I get more answers from saying hello in the dark; you're a ghost now. Trauma isn't pretty anymore. God, I'm so fucking over this

I thought I was ready

doesn't the title just speak for itself?

I saw my sweetest Genevieve in my dreams last night. I was coming down the stairs and in a flash her face was truly in my sight. I have prayed for eight years to be in this reunion. I fell to my knees, took her hand, she embraced me. The moment was gone as soon as it came. There was no message. Just a brief moment of clarity.

I am spiraling with a purpose.

Apologies from 2011

My apology is choking me to death

sckart 8 no detarts lla ti

My dearest Genevieve,

where have you been this year? somewhere beautiful I hope. you never told me that being strong came with so much loneliness. I always used to think heaven wasn't real, but my god, I have found it. I thought there would be too much to say; this year has been so quiet. you have seen all there is to me.
I hope you're well and enjoying this time.

xoxo

self-entitled

nothing matters

H e a r t b r e a k

The memory is as fresh as the sunlight
Your touch lingers on my skin
I can still taste you on my tongue
Today I can't get out of bed
Because you already did

life will come full circle

You are my favorite daydream. My heart skips a beat whenever you cross my mind. I have a novel written with everything you need to hear.

Thnx for finishing my beer

It felt like shedding too much skin
An entire layer of me was missing
Cover me in bruises, your hand around my neck
Tell me you love me
Peace offering on the table
I haven't given it to you yet, not sure if I will
Maybe this works because we're both so fucked
Jokes about dying became so shallow
Washing down medicine with beer seemed right
Tell me to stop spewing bullshit
You were so much faster in September
Who knew love would be full of waiting
Bite me just a little too hard
Remind me who you fucking are

He played the song on repeat

You can hate me
Go ahead, blame me
Turn your light off and go
There was no attempt to understand
Just an assumption in place of knowledge
I know my fucking truth
You can love them
Go ahead, cherish them
Pretend they never abandoned you
But when they disappoint you again
Just know that you are the one to blame
They would rather chew your hand off
Than thank you for your love and commitment
But they will never admit to what you do not know
Please just turn your light off and go
You cannot describe colors to the blind
I won't dare to try

slit your own throat

I will have you know that I am burning every piece of you
You do not get to make me feel bad anymore
Time is up, babe
I would much sooner rip these stitches than be with you
Darkness bleeds from your presence
It must feel so wonderful to look down from your pedestal
Marble can only last for so long, babe
You will fall so much fucking farther than I ever did
The worst part of this all is that I am still begging
But I would much sooner cut my hand off than reach for you
Time is up, babe
I can't love you anymore